8. Ultimately, The Goal is to Die Happy & Peacefully

I went for a PET scan recently. This was not something I was interested in doing. I already know from the bone-scan tests I had three and a half years ago and another just last year that the cancer had reached stage 4 with widespread lesions throughout my body in my skeletal and lymph systems. The local community oncologist ordered the PET scan after my PSA had risen a little bit. I haven’t looked at the results yet as it won’t have any bearing on my treatment. I will hear the results though, and if the cancer HAS spread to any organs I will plan to travel a lot in the next few months. If the cancer HAS NOT spread to any organs then I’ll be traveling a lot over the next few years 🙂 Right now I’m enjoying a brief trip to London with Laurie to see Moby in concert at O2 Arena. I’m finding London very pleasant. It’s easy to get around, people are friendly and polite.

At the PET scan they inject some radioactive fluid into you and you wait in a chair for about 30 minutes. On the way into the injection room I crossed paths with the patient before me. I was really thrown for a loop. The patient was a former spiritual teacher of mine. We stopped, looked at each other, and embraced. What are the chances? I don’t know their situation. They may not know mine. But one thing is certain – we both must have cancer to some degree. Later that night I couldn’t stop thinking about the encounter. What are the chances? Two people, who studied together, and haven’t seen each other in years, here for the last two appointments on a Friday with the PET scan machine. Go figure. I’m still trying to make sense of it, if there is some sense to be made.

I used my time in the injection chair to watch comedy videos on Youtube. It was a nice diversion from the train of thoughts that could occur about how the cancer had spread into the organs or not. When it was finally my turn to head into the scan room I initiated some deep breathing. This helps to down-regulate your parasympathetic nervous system. Did you know that you could do that? It works. I laid flat on the bed as they slid the bed into the tube. The tube, or tunnel, is only about 4 feet long and is open on both ends. I didn’t find it claustrophobic but that may have been because I had my eyes closed the entire time. I continued my deep rhythmic breathing and began to perform a self-treatment of Reiki. Although I’ve only been Reiki trained for 18 months, I’ve been able to keep up a daily self practice. I believe this is an important component of my care plan. I also silently repeated a healing mantra – om shri dhanvantre namaha. Before I knew it, the scan was complete. I think it took about 20-30 minutes. During the whole process I was able to use the tools I have learned over the years to remain calm and relaxed.

When we die we want to be happy, right? We can work at getting happy over the course of our lives and when we approach death then maybe we’ll find ourselves happy. But, what if we had terminal cancer and knew we didn’t have long to live. Then we may be pressed to find true happiness sooner rather than later. Happiness is a state of mind, so one way it can be achieved is through meditation and mental training. And this practice must be consistent. Every day, even twice a day if needed.

In order to find happiness and stay happy we need to research what makes us unhappy. When we desire something, anything, and are unable to get it and keep it, then unhappiness and suffering may occur. We are not happy. So any resistance to the present moment is really the root cause of suffering. At any moment in our lives, whatever we are experiencing, gets evaluated (by us) as being pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. So something happens and we decide if that experience is pleasant or unpleasant for us. If it is evaluated as unpleasant (by us) then perhaps we are not happy. The mind is a “sense” similar to the other five senses you’re familiar with – hearing, seeing, touch, smelling and tasting. Our mind evaluates experiences just like the other five senses evaluate an experience. We see something and we like it or don’t like it. We hear a piece of music we like it or don’t like it. We taste food we evaluate that it’s pleasant or unpleasant. We touch something and decide it’s pleasant or not. Perhaps we smell something and we like it or don’t like it.

So the first step to liberation, or happiness, is noticing when we are evaluating an experience, and then pause. The way to get to this point is through meditation, mindfulness meditation in particular. It takes time but it can be achieved. I am living (or dying) proof! Through a foundation of meditation I have learned to watch my mind closely, and to pause, and on some occasions not to make an evaluation of pleasant or unpleasant. It’s not easy and it takes work. If I do make an evaluation of unpleasant, then I experience a feeling, and that feeling is perhaps unhappy. I was at the Tate Modern Art Gallery in London yesterday and saw this artwork which reminded me of the concept.

With consistent practice we can realize that we are the authors of our own sufferings, large and small. We can learn to detach our mind from thoughts, feelings, memories, perceptions and emotions that are at the root of our suffering. We can work on reducing our cravings for things, so when we don’t get what we want we won’t suffer as much. We can learn not to be so anxious about the future, and maybe accept what we perceive as suffering. We can learn to let go of regrets from the past and learn how to overcome negative thoughts.

Maybe we can cultivate an enduring happiness, free from suffering. This may allow us to even embrace death when it comes, allowing us to die happy and peacefully.

Thanks for reading. If you ‘re not sure where to start, you could try Metta Meditation – an easy and powerful technique for better mental health and clarity, happiness and compassion – click here for my intro version on Insight Timer.