4. What It’s Like Day to Day with Stage IV Cancer

I was diagnosed in Spring of 2021 and was immediately treated with a hormone blocker (not hormones). This hormone blocker shuts down the production of testosterone in the body. Testosterone is the “food” for the prostate cancer. This body would not be producing testosterone for the time being and there would be many physical changes and side effects taking place. Weight gain (mostly fat gain) and muscle loss are the most prevalent physical changes. There would also be hot flashes and night sweats. For the rest of this life I would be in perpetual menopause.

I immediately began to cut out fat and eventually sugar. My doctor did give me permission to have ice cream once a week, after all I do have stage 4 cancer, might as well indulge a little. I started back up at the gym with weightlifting as I tried to stave off the inevitable fat gain and the muscle loss. I was able to lose over ten pounds during the first year and maintain my muscle mass. Quite an accomplishment I thought.

The hormone blocker shots come every three months. So, that’s how I live my life. I get a shot in my lower abdomen. It burns and stings for a bit. And then I’m off to squeeze some more out of this life for another three months. When I go back, they test my blood for PSA levels and if everything is good, I get another shot (ouch) and I’m off again.

I am constantly sweating for short periods during the day with the hot flashes. I toss and turn at night with the night sweats. This may sound funny, but I feel that experiencing what menopause is like is just another lesson for me in this life. Something I never expected to experience. But here we are.

So, for over two years, I’d get tested, get a shot, and venture on for another three months. I try to remain present as possible as the quarterly testing dates arrive. It’s just a matter of time before the home blocker shots stop working. Months, maybe years.

In the meantime, I’ve splurged on first class airfare for me, family and friends. I’ve driven a customized camper van across the US with a friend alternating between Smiths/Morrisey and Americana blasting from the stereo. I’ve spent Thanksgiving weekend with friends cruising Elliot Bay in Seattle on a tugboat converted into a home. I’ve flown to Thailand to attend a graduation ceremony for a school that we support there. I’ve been to many, many concerts. I started writing and recording my own songs and occasionally collaborate with other musicians. I’ve travelled back to India, rode a motorbike all around the island of Bali with Laurie on the back, returned to Thailand to visit with my meditation teacher a few times and stopped in Malaysia reconnecting with friends and making new ones. Overall life has never been better, except for that pesky cancer. I spend my days writing, reading, playing guitar, going to the gym, cooking and cleaning, and meditating. Oh yeah, and planning my next adventure. I am not really in any consistent pain. Occasionally pain does come but it goes pretty quickly. I’m never sure if it’s the cancer or simply one of the many side effects of the drugs. Last week my arm hurt for a few days. The week before it was my heel for a week. Last month my back hurt on and off. But today nothing hurts. I do not take pain meds very often. Just an extra strength Tylenol once a week or so.

I am amazed at how “normal” I feel, both physically and mentally. Sure, sometimes I find my mind attached to the fact that my death is inevitable, probably from the cancer. Sometimes I investigate it, meditate on it. See what is really there. Other times I just detach my mind from the thought of death.

But my death and yours is inevitable, isn’t it? Doesn’t matter if it’s from cancer or anything else. I could quickly die of a heart attack today, and so could you. But usually we don’t embrace those thoughts, or explore those thoughts, or come to terms with those thoughts. So for me, the cancer has really been “life’s biggest lesson, so far”.

I’m passionate about sharing my experiences and I’ve got plenty to more say. It was my Urologist who recently encouraged me to do this writing and talking about my journey. I took his encouragement and began write. He too is big believer in meditation. I remembered when I was first diagnosed and he was spelling out how things were going to progress over the next few years and beyond, and he looked at me on the way out of the exam room and asked “does any of what I’m saying scare you” With our hesitation I replied no. Somehow I had already lived a full and joyful life at age 62. Sure, there were things that I could add to a bucket list, but I had recently completed my bucket list before the cancer diagnosis. I think that’s a big component of my mindset with living with stage 4 cancer.

So far I’ve talked about cancer and death on this blog, but there is so much more. Meditation, karma, mindfulness and volunteering are all part of this book too. So stay tuned and thank you for being engaged with this. Peace.